For some reason, I am SO afraid of dying on Monday. It's not the act of dying itself. I am afraid of leaving my 5 boys alone. I'm afraid my little ones will grow up without a memory of me. And that over time, none of them will know just how much I love them and that they are my whole world.
I spoke with Pastor Lynn last night, and he was telling me that I just needed to pray for peace, and then claim that peace, and I would have it. And I did, last night. And this morning, the fears are back. I know it is satan attacking me. GET THEE BEHIND ME, IN THE NAME OF CHRIST. GET BEHIND ME!!!!
I think I am just so scared because I'm doing this here. Our neighbor is an OR nurse and he said I should be glad that it will be at the army hospital, because I would not want it at the AF one. And that's where he works (AF), nice huh? So yeah, I'm scared of them screwing up.
At any rate, I have to go to my pre op in a few minutes. But please...keep me in your prayers...and if it is my time to go...someone...let my boys know how much I love them.
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4 comments:
Awww... Bek, ((Hugs))). I don't blame you at all for being scared, but it'll be ok. You need this to get better and back on the right track. Don't worry about being scared, they'll give you some fun versad or something, then you will be all relaxed and not worried about a thing. I wish I could be there to hold your hand... Hey! I know a bright side, maybe the hormones are making it hard for weight loss!! lol, Hang in there, it'll be ok.
oh ya, I didn't post about the homeschool thing cuz you already know I love Calvert. lol Love ya!
You are in my prayers. I finally got one of your blogs from Anna. She has been reading them to me. Your family will never forget you or your love for them no matter what happens! Love, Dad (Doran)
In my prayers Bekl. You will be fine I just know it. I can't do this life without u, so I know u will be just fine !
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