Good Day

Today's a good day. I'm down 4 1/2 pounds. GO ME!
I made it through a very hard Richard last night. Matt even asked me if I wanted to quit after a particularly hard song. But I persevered.
I have a new goal in mind.
We are going to Washington/Idaho this summer. The month is undecided right now (Michelle, when are you coming here?) but I was thinking that if we went in July, and I lost 2 pounds a week, I could lose 40 pounds by then.
So that's the goal up on the ticker up there. Forty more pounds. But for me, I'm breaking it down into little goals. Right now I have 3 more to go to get to my first goal, which is to break a 10...for instance right now I am _ _ 2.5 so I want to be _ _ 9.5 Understand? Good, I knew you would.
In completely different news. Today is payday. It is exciting and scary all at the same time. We have a plan to be virtually debt free in 3 years. This includes all credit cards and the van paid off. Of course, it doesn't include those pesky student loans, or Matt's car. So, to do this, we must live on a budget. So we start today. EEK. Totally new territory for us.
Anyway, good things must come of it, like a trip this summer. Albeit, not to Disneyland, but family will have to do. ;-)

I need some input please..

Matt has a hard time getting my blog up. So does my grandma. My mom claims my comments gave her a virus, which I don't even think is feasable..
Anyway, is it just them? Do you all have a hard time accessing it? Should I look into moving to a different blog hosting spot?
Please, let me know...

Getting better

Zachy's foot must be getting better. He is walking now. Limping, but walking.
This morning he had forgotten that it was hurt and went to stand up. Oh my, he howled. Poor thing.
Last night, I would just touch the ball of his foot and he would whimper.
Right now, he, Collin, and Dillon are out drawing with sidewalk chalk. It is beautiful again today. Matthew's still doing school work.
We are having a water issue. We were getting Culligan water delivered. Except it was costing us an arm and a leg. There is a self help store on base that gives you free stuff for your house. One of those things is a culligan water filter. So, we decided we would just pop that baby on, and cancel our service.
OH. MY. GOODNESS. Our water is terrible. It tastes so bad. Even filtered, no one wants to drink it. I feel like we will all get montazuma's revenge, it's that bad. I'm trying to think of our best option, what I mean is our cheapest option.
Here are the things I've come up with:
1. We could just go buy bottle wal mart water. This is a pretty cheap answer. Twenty of their 20 oz bottles is only $4.
2. Get those gallon jugs and take them in to be filled everytime we go to the store.
3. See about renting the dispenser only, which is $11 and getting the 5 gallon water jugs and filling those at wally world. This would be cheaper than getting the culligan water delivered, but the most expensive of the choices, I think. To fill one 5 gallon jug is $1.30.
I just don't know. I guess it comes down to math, and I need to figure it out.
We've decided that we need to tighten our belts. We want to be able to head up north this summer to visit family. OK, so I want to go to Disneyland, but Matt insists it would better to spend our money to see our family. I suppose he's right. ;-) I'm kidding of course. Partly. OK, maybe not. ;-)
ANYWAY...must tighten belts...which brings the water issue. What to do....

Busy Busy

Today has been so busy. We cleaned from like 11 this morning till 5 this evening. Nice, deep cleaning. I love when my house is nice and clean. It feels so much more inviting. Yes, I know that is something simple to maintain, I just fail miserably at it.
So this week, we get to start off in a spotless house. Yippee!!
Zachy was just doing something, we're not sure what since we were in the other room, and hurt his foot/ankle. Again, not really sure which he hurt. But I heard a thud and a high pitched scream. Not anything like an, 'I'm mad' scream or anything, but a pained scream. He is now limping. And we have no idea what is wrong. He cries every now and again and points to his foot. Right now, Matt is icing it. Hopefully, that does the trick.
It was a beautiful day, and the perfect temperature to have all the windows open airing out the place. Things feel new, somehow.
I knew when I wrote about my feelings last night, that I would have to hear opinions. And I did. And it's ok. I am married to someone who doesn't believe in depression, so it makes it that much harder. He, and other people who don't think it is real, have obviously never bore the weight that I do. No, I'm not crying all day long. Yes, I get up and function. That doesn't change the fact that with everything that happens there is a suffocating weight.
It isn't because I haven't prayed hard enough about it. It isn't something that I can just say, "ok, I'm done with this, time to be happy". Don't you think if I could, I would? If you've never been here, you couldn't possibly understand. And that's ok. I just need to figure out where I am right now. I'm sure the answer is that I will go on every day, like I always do. I won't seek any help, because honestly, I don't have time for that. And this will be a fleeting entry, never spoken of again.
We have nothing planned this week. It should be a nice lazy week. Although we do have speech and occupational therapies. But they come here, so it's all good.
I'm sitting on an exercise ball right now, that is quite deflated. I blew it up yesterday, and it is concerning that it is so flat right now. I hope there isn't a hole in it somewhere. Yep, that was a vital piece of info that you all needed to know.
OK, I'm done rambling. I'll talk later...

Is it really the end of January?

After writing that last post I went to weather.com to check out the forecast for today.
It is supposed to be 81 degrees here today. Thursday, it's supposed to be 89. Holy cow.
When we first got here, everyone said, "oh it gets cold here, January and February are our cold months" And admittedly there have been some days when it was like 50, but my goodness, this is strange!

Interesting

Let me first start by saying, I need to rename my blog. I need to name it, "I'm going to offend everyone in the world at some point or another, so you might as well not read"
I don't mean to offend anyone by this post. I'm just simply stating that it is very different from what we do. Does that make it bad, not necessarily. The important thing is that we all do what works for us. This is just simply an observation I've made.
Last night, with Matt's ipod money, he decided to take us out to dinner and a movie and then take some of his spending money for February to make up the difference for the ipod.
So, we went to an all you can eat pizza place. We didn't know it was all you can eat at the time, we just knew they have good pizza. It was a steal, let me tell ya. $3.99 per person, and Zach was free. Not bad.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic here.
While we were there, a family with 3 girls and a baby boy came in and sat behind us. Mom was slinging baby when they came in. We started talking a bit and I asked if they homeschooled. Yes, they did.
Why would I even ask this? Well, because I've noticed something over the years. It seems that those of us with "large" families tend to homeschool. Why? Because we enjoy our kids, and their company. It seems like the families with one or two kids say all summer, "can't wait for school to start, these kids are making me bonkers"
I always have loads of people say, "oh I bet you can't wait till they're all in school". Nothing could be farther from true. I dread the day they are all in school, if that day ever comes.
What I don't understand is why people even have kids if they don't really enjoy being with them. Is it because that is what we do? As Americans we have 2.5 children. It's expected of us, to keep the family name going.
I'm not saying this applies to everyone who puts their kids in school, because it certainly doesn't. It's just something I've noticed over the years. Because you would think it would be the opposite. The families with lots of kids would be the ones that can't wait for school to start to get the kids out of their hair. But it doesn't seem to be that way.
We've noticed the lack of family, oh...not values...what is the word I'm looking for?
OK, since we've been here, we have found out that we are the only family who actually sit down and eat dinner together. The kids have one little friend who comes over and eats with us, and it breaks my heart because she never gets that at home. Her mom has told me that she(daughter) has her own life and they rarely talk, if at all. The girl is 7. Her dad just came home from Iraq. We have yet to see mom and dad actually together since he got home, and daughter and son are never inside with dad. In fact, daughter came knocking this morning at 9 to play. The kids were still in jammies, and we were still in bed. Matt said to me,"how about spending some time with your dad?" Which is exactly true. He's been gone for 4 months, and yet there is no time spent together. Things go on as normal. It is truly odd to me.
So what's happening to today's family? Why don't they enjoy each other's company? Is it because it is expected to send the kiddies to school, where they are for 7 hours a day, then put them in sports to eat up more time. By the time there is actually time to spend together, we don't know what to do with each other, and it breaks into too much of my time? I don't know.
It's just all really really strange to me.....
Again, this is not meant to offend, just an observation. There are definitely exceptions and people whose kids are in school and parents work are still perfectly capable of having a good family. Matt and I had to get our values from somewhere and we were both in school with working parents. And we both had dinner with our families every night. It can be done. I just see it getting less and less in this world..

Some cute stories

Little background here. Long ago, my mother in law was taking a walk with Matthew. He was 2 at the time. She showed him a flower, then sniffed it, and went "ah ah AH CHOO!"
From that, he identified her as "ah-choo grandma" So, that is what they are called, ah-choo grandma and grandpa. My mom and her hubby are "regular grandma and grandpa" Which, by the way, is just as funny as the ah-choo thing.
Ok so on with the stories.

Collin was sitting with me, pushing on my belly. He giggled and said, "you have a fat tummy like ah-choo grandma and ah-choo grandpa"
Oh my, we were cracking up. Nothing like having your kid tell you that you are fat though!

~*~*~*~*

We had to go fax some documents today, and knew the kids would be upset to hear that. So when we were in the car, Dillon asks where we are going. As usual, when we know they will complain, I answer, "crazy" Dillon says, "mommy, you can only use that with little kids" Matt and I laugh and say, "but you are a little kid" He says, "nooo, I'm not" We ask what he is and he said, "I'm a grown-up, I mean a teenager" We were in stitches, and had to inform him that he was a big kid, but that we were still going crazy.

I had some more, but as usual, I can't remember them. But I can tell you this, which has nothing to do with anything, I got my ipod money back today. WOOHOO!!! I so cannot believe it. The guy was really late, and I had to threaten him with jail, but it came today. YIPPEE!!!

In A Funk

I've been in a funk lately. A journaling funk. A funk in general. I don't even really know what to write here tonight, but I said I would do this religiously so I'm going to write. I honestly don't know where this post will go, what it will be about, we'll have to see.
I don't quite know what is wrong with me. Let me try to explain it. I don't feel like I want to crawl in a hole and hide all the time, but I do feel like a cloud just looms over my head. It makes me cranky. My kids get the worst of it. I hate that. I hate that stuff irritates me that really shouldn't. I walk around feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and to be honest, I haven't the foggiest idea what to do about it.
I have prayed so hard. I have given it to God, and yet, apparently, I don't let go all the way, because it is still there. Looming. Always.
Sure, I have happy moments. But I want to feel happy all the time. I remember Dr Laura always getting upset with people for saying they weren't 'comfortable'. She would say that isn't life. That we live life and have really happy moments within it. That you can't just be happy all the time. Which is fine. I can live with that. I just want the stupid weight off my shoulders. I want to breathe.
I love my kids more than life itself, and yet, I always ask myself, "do you do enough to show it? do they think you love them?" It is never enough. Nothing in my life is ever enough. I always want more. Primarily, more family. I have this notion that if I just keep having kids, I'll somehow finally feel more complete. Which sounds absolutely terrible. It makes it sound like my kids just aren't good enough. Which couldn't be farther from the truth. I just want more.
My dear confindante in Idaho insists that I need drugs. I am trying to counteract the depression with exercise. Only, I'm not succeeding with my 5 nights a week plan too well. There is always something that comes up. I've met with good ole Richard 3 times this week. Exercise is supposed to release those feel good hormones, so is sun. So I sit out on my porch looking towards the sun. The other thing is that breastfeeding releases feel good hormones, so I should be all set. And yet...the weight...
I so don't want to do antidepressants. I've been there, done that. I hated zoloft and never really felt any difference with Welbutrin. Those are about the 2 you can take while nursing. And I just don't want to be dependent on them the rest of my life.
Depression is definitely an inherited thing in my family. I'm told it goes pretty far back. I just wonder why it had to hit me. I have nothing to be depressed about. Which drives me bonkers. My life is truly great. But there's the cloud. Always the cloud.
Do you remember, many years ago, there was a 7up commercial. There would be someone with a backpack, and a 7up in the backpack, and it would be raining on them, wherever they went. This cloud followed. Because 7up was that refreshing.
That's how I feel. That lone cloud just looms about me.
I didn't mean for this to totally turn into a depression post. I usually keep this all to myself and my Idahoan confidante. I always worry that people will think I am unfit to have my kids. But really, it isn't like I can't get out of bed, or like I hurt them. I just have the cloud. And I just feel like I don't do enough for them. So that's not too bad.
I'm feeling really vulnerable now, and I don't know how long I'll leave this post up. I may take it down tomorrow....

Heartwarming

There are 3 men in our little living area who have been deployed to Iraq. They all left soon after we got here, and they all came home today. Yay! It is nice to see that. All the kids are so excited to see their dads. War stinks.
As for me, today has been a rough day. And I don't quite know why. I've been moody all day, and the little things set me off. Zach is napping now, and the other three are at the park, I should be doing something productive. But I'm not. And the sound of the dog whining to go out is bugging the tar out of me. UGH!!

Another Date

I just finished another date with good ole Richard Simmons.
I have to tell you, I have loads of his videos and I always go back to my favorite, Disco Sweat . I really like this one for several reasons. One, because it is the easiest one I have, once I get in better shape I'll move on to Dance Your Pants Off and Sweatin to the Oldies 3. Secondly, this video concentrates on your whole body. He has several video sets, where you work your upper body one day, your lower body the next, but I like having it all together. Thirdly, well, I like the music. *blush* Sue me.
I'm having a little problem though, that someone may be able to help me with. My inner calves are killing me. They do this when I simply walk as well. Am I not stretching them enough? Am I just really out of shape and when I get in better shape they'll stop hurting? It's wierd. You would think that, that part of my body carries all the weight around, so it would be in better shape. I guess it also takes the brunt of it when I'm dancing around, huh? Anyway, if you have any suggestions to ease the pain, I'd appreciate it.
I was thinking of some stuff while I was exercising tonight. The song, I will Survive is on there, and at one point Richard says, "You will survive." And it got me thinking, I need to do this to survive. I really do. I mean, what if I die of heart disease? How crazy would it be if my 2 day old baby can survive heart disease, and then, because I'm lazy, I end up dying from it?? That can't happen. So, I say this, "I WILL survive" I'm doing this this time.
I did really well today. I stuck with my diet and then exercised. Yay me.
Now I need to go to bed because Zach has been there since 9:30 and if he follows the 8 hour trend, he'll be in my bed by 5:30, that leaves 6 hours for me. And I need to shower.
Good night everyone

Letter to the kids

I was sent this letter that a mom wrote to her CHD child. I'd like to change the name and use it for M,C, andZ. So here it is.

Dear Matthew, Collin, and Zachy,



When you want to scream, "Why me?" remember that this "difference" is a
gift. God has allowed you the opportunity to be an example to many
others.



He has allowed you the chance to see others who are in need, and
because you
must go a little slower, you can take the time to reach out to them and
welcome them to come along.



He has given you the chance to create your own dance and be your own
person.
You have learned that it is okay to be who you are and that "you" are a
very
wonderful person to be.



He has given you friends who walk beside you and cheer you on.



He has given you family who will carry you whenever you are in need.



Why you? Who else could teach me to hold tightly to my children,
because
they are not really mine. They have only been loaned to me until their
heavenly Father receives them home.



Who else could teach me to tell others they are loved because tomorrow
may
not come.



Who else could show me that despite my selfishness, selflessness does
exist
within me. I would quickly and gladly take this suffering from you and
make
it my own.



You have given, you have taught, you have loved.



Why you? Because God knows your strength, your beauty, your joy. He
knows
that you can carry this cross, when there are many others who could
not. He
knows in His heart that you can handle the differences in yours. He
knows
that you could take this blessing and bring others to Him because of
it.
You are an angel given a delicate package.



So, whenever you say the words, "Why me?" do so with reverence and awe.
For
God has chosen you - with love.

Oh, and one more thing...

The detective called me back and says that I should have my money on Wednesday. The guy is supposed to overnight it on Tuesday.
If I don't get it, they go arrest him.
Let's hope they scared him enough to get my money back.
And if I do, I'm not sure I can ever use an auction place again. This has been a BAD experience. I think Ebay would be better though.
Stupid Overstock.com auctions. No protection for their buyers, AT ALL.

Wow...two nights in a row!!

Zachy slept all night again last night. Well from 12-8, but still that's 8 hours of solid sleep for me. I'll take it! Collin stayed in bed too. In fact, he's still asleep. Must have been tired.
Matt really hurt his back yesterday, helping with the move. So I didn't exercise last night. He said I could have, and he would have just recorded Crossing Jordan, but he was pretty miserable. So instead, I spend the evening printing out old journal entries, for a private journal I've had. I managed to make it through 2004. So someday, I'll catch up with 2005, and then I will work on this new blog. I should really keep up on this. Dillon asked me what it was last night, and I told him that someday, he could read it, and see just how much I love them. He said, "that whole thing is about US??" I said, "yep, pretty much" That thrilled him to no end.
And I do love them, so much. I was thinking this morning that I'm so lucky to have kids that make me laugh! I don't even remember what happened, but Zachy was cracking me up.
Speaking of cracking up, last night when I laid down with Zach to get him to sleep, he just started giggling. It was so funny. I have no idea why he was giggling, but it was cute. Then he started blowing raspberries on me, instead of nursing, so we got up and did dishes. But it was pretty funny.
Anyway, I have to run and help with school. Collin just woke up, (and looks like he grew a foot overnight) and needs breakfast.
Have a great day!

Good night = Good day

Matt and I had a date with Richard last night.
I love Richard. He makes me work hard, and when I get tired I tell him, "for you, Richard, I'll keep going" He makes my legs quiver. I like Richard.
OK, get your minds out of the gutter. I'm talking about Richard Simmons. Duh! And I really do like him. Even though he annoys most mankind, I like him alot. I want to be like him, actually. Richard has such a love for all humankind. And that energy! Oh my! What I wouldn't give for energy like that.
Anyway, Matt and I danced the night away with him. It's been a long time since I've exercised like that, and I made it through the whole tape. I worked muscles I had forgotten about long ago. And, believe it or not, I did all the crunches, I huffed and puffed, but made it through.
I am hoping to do some kind of exercise at least 5 days a week. Wish me luck. My first goal is to lose 7 pounds by valentine's day. We'll see! HA!
Last night I also set up a humidifier in the boys's room to help with the dryness. Also, to try and keep it warmer in there. Yep, it's cool right now. Today's high is the low 60s. Which I know is mild, but at night it's chilly. And their room doesn't heat up very well.
Anyway, Zachy and Collin stayed in their beds ALL NIGHT! I think that is the first time they have both stayed in their beds. Zachy came into our bed at 8 this morning. Which meant that I slept, uninterrupted from 12-8! What a difference that makes. I feel so refreshed. Sore, but refreshed!
Anyway, we're off. Matt is helping some people move today, and we are going to their house. The people that we went hiking with last week, actually. They decided enough living in a motorhome, they're renting a house till theirs is built. I understand completely!

The light just went on..

I just spent the last hour working on adjectives with Matthew.
He was having one heck of a time.
The light just went on. I'm so happy for him. He is thrilled with himself.
This is the part about homeschooling that is great. Had he been in school he may have just fallen through the cracks. Now he gets it, and it's cause of me, *snicker*

Happenings

Well, there is currently a detective at my good ole ipod seller's house. If he doesn't pay up, I have to write out a statement and then they go arrest him. Great. The detective said if that happens I won't get my money. GRRRRRRR Creep!!
In other news, our kids were approved through TriCare to be able to see a civilian doctor! I am SO happy!! What a load off it is to not have to deal with the other doctors who have no clue about our past from one visit to the other. Happy Day!

Dying to know...

Who left that last comment to Matt about no kids? It had me cracking up. So..who was it?? HMMMM??? Please do tell!

Movie Review Time

Time to give you some of my opinions on different movies. Aren't you lucky??
The Perfect Man is a cute movie. We enjoyed it, although it isn't what I expected. It is rated PG, and would have been fine for the kids, but mine wouldn't have been interested in it. It may be more of a chick flick. But it was clean and funny and heartwarming.
Herbie: Fully Loaded I love this movie. We saw it in the theaters and then again this month. It is really good. It made me cry both times, but I'm a major sap. Great for my older kids. Collin and Zach were a bit bored with it, but they're little. Good family movie.
The March of the Penguins Oh My, we just finished this movie. Has there ever been a bird as remarkable as the emperor penguin? Matt was bored with this movie, but the kids and I loved it. It was a bit sad, but it was real life. Some chicks just don't make it through the winter, and some adults do get eaten by leopard seals. It's sad, but reality. This movie will open your eyes to a whole new world. And let me say that people who think this all happens do to evolution need their stuffing examined. These guys are so precise, and it is precision necessary for survival, it has to be a God thing. It's very educational and entertaining. I think we may buy this movie.
Kronk's New Groove The kids loved this movie. I didn't think it was nearly as good as The Emperor's New Groove, although it did teach a good lesson on being happy with who you are and not caring what other people think of you. I'd say it is just okay. Not great, but not too bad.
There you have it, our recently watched movies. Aren't you glad? ;-)

Some pictures

These are just some random pictures I thought I'd post.

This is Dillon at a corn maze this year.



Matthew with a Sea World otter, it was halloween which is why the otter is dressed up like a jailbird.



Matthew messing around on the keyboard.



Collin after a river ride at Sea World.

Just some more random pics

Here's my Zachy pooh



Collin



One of our Christmas card choices, I liked this one alot, I just couldn't get it cropped right.



I also liked this one.



This is Zach not wanting his picture taken.